[big black bird]

Do you have any idea what you’re dealing with, baby? I have lumps in my throat bigger than you. Your less than a quarter century’s worth of double-dutch, magazine cut-outs, rides in an old car from your brother, stolen jewelry, and hard chewed-up bubble gum are no match for me. I have lived for a thousand years. There ain’t nothin’new you can show me. I have lived a hundred lives with your pearls in the palm of my hand but they haven’t done a thing to ease my mind. I got your senior photo in a rusty old frame. I got your notes in a shoebox. I’ve lived longer than the stones that hold your father underground. I have spit up too much blood to be moved by your crocodile tears.

Did you know that from a distance, vodka looks just like water? They don’t taste the same, tho’.

You deserve a diamond for your skinned knee.  

Please don’t cross me.

I never heard the man say "duck!"

A wrinkled, oversized navy blue suit. A big coffee made for me by a kid at least five years my junior. Finished but not enjoyed. In a suburban corporate coffee shop. Identical to the thousands just like it. Keep me alive so that I can continue to produce.

The first step is acceptance but I'll only accept so much. I won't be defeated by a series of circumstances. I won't be swallowed by time or by reason or by a sense of responsibility. I've gotten in the ring with even stronger opponents. I've yet to win, but I always go for it. The pain in my gut never lasts as long as the restlessness. If I don't stomp on the floor with bloody feet, I float away.

It is time for you to begin that descent down the steel mountain. The one we've been waiting for. Into my arms. I have waited for you all my life, and even longer. Oh but womanhood can be so dull sometimes.

Me + Me + Me = You (Me)

The space between the signifant objects.
The memorable events.
The minutes between those noises and flashes of light.
The statements that give you pause.
That paste, that sauce, that weard haze is where the day was spent.
I drove someone else's car.
I worked at someone else's job.
I combed my hair this morning in such a way that.. I didn't really recognize myself ...
My jacket was too big.
My pants fit too tight.
I slept for three hours while you ate dinner.
I'm living in a puddle of water.
The planet is getting older and so am I.
When I close my eyes I hear all of the words that everyone has said to me in the last few days.
They are all kind words. Positive. Reassuring.
The edges have all been sanded down.
There is a storm coming, but from which direction?

An introduction. Written in April. When I first went to sleep.

   I'm going to try writing a little bit everyday. I'm not exactly sure why. It's not like those around me need to bare witness to any more of my self scrutiny. Most everyone has heard my drunken rants, my afternoon musings, or one of my songs. You've probably read a late night text. Punctuation. Parentheses. Hyphen. Seventeen thoughts in one. Lord knows I probably don't need to do any more introspection. Between ____, ____ , and the tons of support I get from everyone around me, one should think that my inner child sits on a cloud eating ice cream with Cliff Huxtable. I should levitate. I should be able to bend objects with my mind. I should have given up normal speech long ago in exchange for some sort of Cunfucian-riddle-speak. I'm still an ape. Heaven knows what I would be like if I were actually repressed.
   Factually, I should be dead and I'm grateful that I'm not.
   I've heard that you should be careful about what ya say or post on the interweb.
   I guess I won't share anything more personal than that.
   I want to tell the truth. But Not yet.
   For now, April gives us damp and gloomy mornings, beautiful sunny afternoons, brisk evenings, and pitch black nights.
   They do very noisy construction on the freeway in the wee hours of the morning.
   People die in Lybia and Iraq.
   I drink reheated coffee at 12:43.
   Instincts ignored. Partly.
   Fed the beast, but only a bit.
   Goodnight Hunter, Mike, and Annabelle.

I really don't even know what an MP4 is.

It's better than an MP3 right?

Below is another song/video from a someone I know and whose music I really admire. David Shane Smith also seems to be really prolific. Which is nice. Go to http://www.davidshanesmith.com/ .

Of pigs and paradise

What I'm most afraid of is that when I emerge from this bunker, the world will no longer be there.

Will you still be there waiting for me? With a sandwich in one hand and a beer in the other? An unlit cigarette in your mouth as your arms flail about as a gesture of welcome. Will the sidewalk still have dried gum on it and broken bottles strewn about? Will the bar tender remember me? Will the music still be frightfully loud and just one selection shy of the perfect song? Will dreamy eyes look away? Will my spirits jump? Will the moon be a spotlight? Will your car look like shit and will you still be too fucked up to drive it? Will you find just the right words to say at 4AM and will I be awake enough to realize that we were both created for these moments?

What I'm most afraid of is that when I emerge from this bunker, the world will no longer be there. You will not be around to appreciate the person I've become in my time away.

I remember now the songs i sang at 5, at 6, at 7 years of age, when all that I wanted was to be large enough to hold you in my arms more completely. I remember now what it was like to question reality at every moment and to feel simultaneously out of place and comfortable, tucked snuggly into a space suit that seems to fit me like a glove. I nod at strangers but they do not nod back. They do not realize that I appreciate that they are strangers. They only wonder whether they've met me before. They have not. 

What I'm most afraid of is that when I emerge from this bunker, the world will no longer be there. My body is becoming older with each passing second but I don't feel tied to the "prison of time".

If you are an addict, a journeyman, you have to create the cancer in yourself so that you can then remove it. The unlucky ones build that big white wall too strong and too high around themselves and are never able to climb out. The world MUST become a series of small tasks and ephemeral pleasures in order to be bearable. Otherwise drown in your own tears child. Roll the stone up that hill only to be flattened by it as it rolls back over you. The air is dense. The water is cold. The distance to the sink is a journey of a thousand miles. 

What I'm most afraid of is that when I emerge from this bunker, the world will no longer be there. Stay with me, even if only for a few more minutes. Stay. Until I fall asleep. I Remember now that my life is a fairy tale. The world is a poorly told joke. When I wake up I will eat you for breakfast. 

This moment is just as it should be.

Words. Music. Performance. Looks. Warmth. By Sadie.

I think the moon might fall

More than anything it's an unwillingness to be part of any sort of group or partnership. I have to retain that part of me that nobody knows about.

I might smile and nod. I might say something to reaffirm the point you were making. We will have shared goals and common interests, but damned if I'll let you aaaaaaaaaall the way in theeeeere. Weird. Weird, because it's loneliness that I complain about more than anything. It's the "endless succession of people saying goodbye" (as the bard would say) that gives me the most grief.

But really, it was me, wasn't it? All along? You, you, and you, and even you, never really had much of anything to say "goodbye" to. I was never really there.

Too bad.

Maybe I'll getcha next time. Maybe I'll convince myself that it's worth it.

For now it's medicine, gratitude, and the good earth. Ghosts and goblins through a filter please. I'll settle for a steady pace but I will not stand for soft prints. Restore me to sanity without killing me. I'll give the universe the benefit of the doubt for the time being.

I switched topics. Tomorrow is "hump" day.

One last thing: ....Oh I can't remember it exactly. Something I wanted to quote. It was really beautifully written. If I try it from memory I'll ruin it.

G'nite anyway.

Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperae Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperae Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperae Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperae Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Desperate Lovers.